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1. Pick the cat up & cradle in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close
mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve
pill from floor & cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm &
repeat process.
3. Retrieve
cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from
garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to get new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Doulton' figurines
from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel & get partner to
lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking
straw.
9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to
humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partner's
forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed & get
another pill. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon & flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put
cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek & check for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree
across the road & apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's paws to rear paws with garden twine
& bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed & pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner wrench. Push pill into
mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically & pour
a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.
14. Get partner to drive you to hospital & sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers & forearms & remove pill remnants
from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new dining table.
15. Arrange
for SPCA to collect cat & ring local pet shop to see if they have hamsters
for sale.
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1. Wrap it in bacon.